EXCUSE #702: "I've Been Hurt Before".

Today (more like yesterday), I had a really interesting talk with one of my Dent sisters. Strangely enough, it was about relationships. You see, she's been going through something rough.. Her evil ex-boyfriend's been.. Eviling. What? Eviling isn't even a real word. Well, long story short, she's going through this self-blaming phase of a breakup. He's happy now, and she feels horrible about it.

Would you believe that I actually found myself lecturing her, as if I've had 10,000 years of relationship experience? Damn it. When I see a distressed female, I start talking like a grandmother.

Hmm. I'm not going to write about her heartbreak. I'll talk about my own.

On my last post, I wrote about #handsometaipeiguy and how I was too shy to do anything. Well, a quick update-- I actually managed to find him on Facebook (I had help!), but please don't get too excited, because.. Just because. Anyway, I had a few hours of self-assessment as to why I found myself in an extremely uncharacteristically shy state. The reason was really simple, but maybe I was just in denial at that time. I was scared, simply because I was hurt before.

In the summer of 2014, I met someone at a wedding. For simplicity's sake, let's call him Checkered Man. I first saw him outside the chapel, and because I couldn't really approach him or what, I prayed a little bit, and reassured myself that if I was meant to meet him, I will. Hours later, I was having a discussion with my very popular uncle, and it turns out, Checkered Man was part of his staff. So I met Checkered Man. It felt really perfect, almost serendipitous. So months passed. He had to move to New York to get his Master's Degree. Because I found him on Facebook early on, and I actually had his email address, I pretty much messaged him about three times a week or so. I'd tell him stories of this and that. I didn't always get replies, but I think at one point, he said that he found my emails entertaining, and that he couldn't reply, only because he couldn't find the time. Of course, I was fine with it.

Until one day, I got a text message from Checkered Man's sister. It was easily the worst text message I've ever gotten in my entire life. It started with "Hey Corine, my brother's girlfriend...", it contained the word "bothersome", and it ended with me in tears. I sent him an angry e-mail afterwards. I wasn't even sure if it was the mature thing to do, but in my head, I felt that I had to be honest-- I told him that I wish that he himself had informed me that he didn't want me to talk to him anymore, rather than having him tell his girlfriend to tell his sister to pretty much get rid of me. I never got a reply, and he blocked me on Facebook and Instagram. I was just angry for about a year and a half. It even drove me to crazytown each time I'd see him on my (new) Facebook account's People You May Know tab. REALLY. It was horrible.

Fast forward, 2016. I don't deal with males the same way anymore. I had one crush in April-- I slipped a note in his backpack before I left his country the next day. He was really nice when we chatted again on WhatsApp, and he told me that he was flattered, but he already had someone else in mind. He was really nice, though, and well.. I would always think of him as an awesome friend, no wait.. A bro, actually. :) ..but you know what, I wish Checkered Man gave me the same courtesy as my Singapore crush did. I guess there really are no valid generalizations when it comes to how men react.

..and now, SHY SHY SHY. Like I've said before, shyness is uncharacteristic of me, but I guess that once you've experienced something as horrible as what happened with Checkered Man, it changes you. Suddenly, you're no longer your spontaneously bold and brave self. You're cautious to a fault. You're afraid to say hi. You exaggerate every little thing. You overthink. Because you're scared. That's what happened to me. I'm not exactly sure how I'll act on attraction anymore because I've been burned pretty badly.

I'm not sure about anything anymore, and it's from one reason, and one reason only--
I've been hurt before. :(

Add caption

#handsometaipeiguy

Oh hey, long time no see. There's nothing new with me, I'm just having an existential crisis revolving around one central question--

Exactly how many chances can we get until we're done for good?

BACKSTORY. I attended the 2016 ACOMS here in Manila (because, well.. Surgery is life). I'm still in undergrad, but I got to ride the waves because I have two Clinical Instructors who are PCOMS Fellows. I could go on and on about all the things I've learned and all the insights I've gained, but there are just abstract things that could not be given justice by words alone. 

So, for now, please just let me be a girl, and allow me to tell you about my ACOMS crush. 

So there was this guy. I never learned his name, but I've referred to him as #handsometaipeiguy since last Thursday evening during the Fellowship Night. I remember wanting to talk to him multiple times, but I didn't know how to attack. I felt that I had the chance when I was at the cocktail table next to where he was. Apparently, a beer bottle fell, and I remember seeing him trying to clear away the glass shards. I really wanted to pull him away and tell him to let the maintenance staff take care of it because he might get wounded or something-- but I didn't. I was too shy. Heehee..

At one point, we were standing around three feet away from each other. I really wanted to get closer to him and introduce myself, as he had a student ID, and we both had our student statuses in common (but at that point, I was carrying a local delegate ID [which is the same ID as the one real dentists had]-- I later had this changed to a student ID, thinking that students wouldn't approach me because they'd think that I was a legit surgeon already). In my head, I had the perfect dialogue flow mapped out, I felt that all I had to do was wait. Minutes later, everybody between us started disappearing, I was in constant movement (dancing in place, haha), and all of a sudden, he was right there beside me. We very slightly bumped into each other, and as soon as it had sunken in, he started moving away.:( 

On the car ride home from the Fellowship Night, I told myself that when I'd see him the next day at the lecture halls, I'd take the seat behind him no matter what. Unfortunately, my no matter what didn't really push through. Hmm.. Come to think of it, I always did plan to sit beside him "no matter what", but obviously, it never happened, hahaha.

Yesterday was the last day of the congress, I remember being beside him again while exiting one of the halls to transfer to the next hall. I was just really stunned that I was beside my crush again! I would have faced him and smiled, but I was too busy planning our life together and naming our future children. Hahahahahahaha. 

I really wanted to see him after the Closing Ceremonies, so while the Taiwan delegation was taking photos, I was outside the hall with my very supportive future OMS Residency siblings, we were waiting for him to come out so that they could take pictures of me and him together-- and by together, I don't mean pictures like those "selfies" I took that "accidentally" had him in the background. I have such great love for my OMS ates, I had just met them two days prior, and they were already very supportive towards the advancement of my love life.. and that's exactly why I'm eyeing a one-way ticket to the 5th Floor at St. Jude. :) 

..and then I met Monica. I was with Dr. Diandra (OMS Ate!), and the very beautiful Monica came up to her, and then they started talking about beaches. At the shortest pause, I told her, "Your friend is very cute", and the rest was history.<3 During Taiwan Night, Monica wanted to introduce me to #handsometaipeiguy, but I was so shy, so I went to the bathroom first, to beautify. I didn't know what to do, so I whipped out my phone, and called the first sensible male I could find to give me advice-- it was my IDEM bro from Malaysia, Su Jiun. With the toilets as my witnesses I was like, "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?" the whole time. REALLY. It took me a loooong time to get my brain working, that by the time I was ready to face #handsometaipeiguy and introduce myself, the party was over, and everyone was gone.

..and just like that, I realized that I blew my last chance, and that I may never see #handsometaipeiguy ever again. :(

Okay, so now, I'm always gonna be wondering.. What if I had spoken to him? What if I had said hello? What if I had introduced myself? --all that, because I was too shy. People, learn from my mistake. It's not every day that you encounter a #handsometaipeiguy ..Unless you're in Taipei (?).