Bright Pink Post-Its.

I can't believe it's been years since we've last spoken. Writing letters was my thing, bright pink Post-It notes were my thing, constant storytelling was my thing, and I guess.. Rising from the dead is now my thing too.

You probably remember me as a go-getter who strived really hard so that people would look up to me. While I made people happy, I didn't know that I was losing myself from seeking validation from tangible things. I've grown up to be someone who isn't afraid of making mistakes. While I used to live on admiration, this version of me simply does not care. I'm a free-spirited hippie now, yo.

I never thought I'd ever see you in a relationship and actually be happy for you. I want you to be each other’s forever, and it’s easy for me to feel this way because I know that you two are perfect for each other. I can't explain it, maybe it's because of the simple idea that when you see true love, you just know. You two? I just know.:)

I told myself that you'd be the last guy I'd refer to as Mr. Past, stating that the next time I develop real feelings for someone, I'd take care of it the best way I can. I promised myself that the next time I fall in love, it wouldn't let it implode in itself resulting to wreckage before beginning. The guy who came after you was nice, but even if he and I are romantically incompatible, he'll always be my best friend. The one who came after him brings about a completely different story.

I liked you for a very long time, but it was relatively easy to "get over" you when circumstances favored it. You actually put truth in the saying, "out of sight, out of mind". --but this other guy? I've only seen him in the flesh just once in my entire life (classic love at first sight), and not only has he been out of sight, he's also been out of continent for about two years now. Still, I think about him every now and then. 

There couldn't have been more of a cheesy epic 90s fail cliché setting for me to have met him. Right after a wedding, I stepped out of the church, and he was standing right there, pretty much looking like a dream. I whispered to God, "If I'm meant to meet him, I know You'll make a way.", and guess what, about four hours later, I actually did. I had a huge crush on him, you wouldn't even imagine all the things I did, almost to the level worthy of its own My Crazy Love episode. This self-directed episode played for probably a little more than a year, until it was pulled off the air right after I found out one very important detail about him. From someone else.

One of the last things I said to him was to the effect of, "I'll be happy to one day read about you and all the nice things you'd be doing, but if we happen to be walking along the same street, I'd cross, just to avoid you", but I think I can admit that I actually didn't mean that. Had I known what I know now, I would have actively decided to not like him, and I wouldn't currently be nursing these really distasteful feelings. I wouldn't have chopped off my long naturally-curly locks.

DAMMIT, HOW DO I BECOME LIKE YOU? I mean, look at you, look at how awesome your love life has turned out. I'm so happy for you, I'm so proud of you, and I'm just like.. Mr. Past has such an awesome love life. You have a beautiful-inside-and-out person whom you love, and whom I'm sure also loves you. You don't look like you even had to try so hard because things seem to have just fell perfectly in place. I want that for myself as well, but considering the feelings I'm trapped with for someone halfway around the world who has absolutely no idea that I still think about him, I feel so immobile.

I keep telling myself that God doesn't allow people to come in and out of our lives without imparting lessons that add value to us as people. Because of you, I have a better idea of what's for me, stemming from how we figure out what we actually want based on what we don't want. With him, it feels like a downhill-bound story with an open ending. I need that important lesson, I need that closure, or else I may be stuck for much longer. I don't want to be stuck. I want to be happy.

I wish it were as easy to get over him, as it was to have gotten over you.